Entropic Deterioration

Currently reading the “His Dark Materials” trilogy...

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:48:27 -0400

Currently reading the “His Dark Materials” trilogy so I read that as dæmon at first. Still works though.

outofcontextdnd: DM: “He has a piece of leg through his wood.”

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:42:34 -0400

outofcontextdnd:

DM: “He has a piece of leg through his wood.”

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:40:48 -0400

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:52:15 -0400

"I represent the allied nations of… where are we from again?"

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:39:49 -0400

“I represent the allied nations of… where are we from again?”

- Wallace (via outofcontextdnd)

pleatedjeans: via

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:30:55 -0400

pleatedjeans:

via

tastefullyoffensive: [trickrtreatr]

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:25:34 -0400

tastefullyoffensive:

[trickrtreatr]

The Other Half

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:19:30 -0400

outofcontextdnd:

(Upon meeting a new PC Rogane for the first time)

Rogane: What are you

Kel: I’m a half-elf.

Rogane: Really?! What is the other half?

Kel: (Deadpan) …Dragon.

Rogane: *Wondrous Gasp* You’re a Drelfen?!

Kel: Yes.

DM: *Facepalm* Unfortunately for everyone, Rogane was getting incredibly drunk before you came across him.

"Lily : If we were the murderers who killed a Prince and his entire escort, don’t you think we..."

Mon, 20 May 2013 09:54:13 -0400

“Lily : If we were the murderers who killed a Prince and his entire escort, don’t you think we would have killed you now?
Knight of Pantarmarge : He was traveling to his wedding with only his three best men.
Lily : So what are you, the 4th and 5th best men?
Knight : You misunderstand. I meant the three best men for his wedding.”

- (via outofcontextdnd)

"No, we can’t have a Christmas party with the villains!"

Mon, 20 May 2013 09:51:21 -0400

“No, we can’t have a Christmas party with the villains!”

- One of the party’s few good aligned players (via outofcontextdnd)

thefrogman: When a man and a woman are in love and get married,...

Mon, 13 May 2013 15:13:56 -0400

thefrogman:

When a man and a woman are in love and get married, they decide to show their love by participating in the most heinous of acts. Sexual intercourse. They turn off all the lights and the man inserts his rod of evil into the woman’s hole of Satan. They must use the missionary position, as it is improper for the male to face the Lord when humping about and making sex faces.

The male thrusts back and forth for nearly a minute until his penis ejaculates seminal fluid into the vaginal cavity. This unleashes several hundred million little spermies all hellbent on finding an egg and making your life a whole lot more expensive. These guys are excellent swimmers too. Once a sperm is in motion it is then officially a spermatozoon. That’s a fun word. Spermatozoooooooon. Spermatozoooooooooooooon.

Anyway.

The millions of spermatozoa (plural of spermatozoooooon) swim their way up the fallopian tubes. They target an egg and ram their spermy little heads into it. Most of them die from head trauma, but sometimes a lucky little tadpole breaks through and takes up residence inside the ovum…creating an embryo.

Depending on your religious beliefs, this is when life begins or it is just a couple of cells that could develop into a wittle baby. If you are a penguin, you really don’t care either way because your brain is unable to comprehend complex concepts.

Once these two parts have bonded, the embryo does its best to attach to the uterine wall so it can begin dividing and conquering the mama’s belly. You must of course feed this little embryo all sorts of strange things. Like pickles and ice cream. Or peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Over the next 9 months those two cells divide into billions of cells creating a fetus.

If you take a picture of this fetus inside the tummy, it will look like an alien creature.

This is normal. You do not have an alien baby.

Then the day comes. The amniotic sac ruptures and the fluid is evacuated out of the vagina. Now…they call this “breaking water,” and even though that fluid is mostly water, there are also proteins, carbohydrates, and even a little pee in it. So if she broke water on your couch, I would give that a decent scrubbing after. Or at least turn the cushion over.

Junior is now ready to squeeze his cantaloupe head through the mother’s golf ball vagina. It’s important that the female breathe like an idiot to distract her from this fact. Typically like, “Hee hee hooooo. Hee hee hooooo.” Once she figures out that doesn’t do shit, she will demand drugs. Give them to her.

Her cervix will dilate. This only happens in centimeters, as doctors are too good for inches. Once it gets to the size of a lemon, they encourage the woman to start pushing. If you offer the woman your hand at this point, she will break every bone in it. I suggest putting your arms behind your back and having an encouraging expression on your face. The female may poop a little, try not to notice that.

Soon the baby’s head will emerge and the doctors may use salad tongs to help pull it out. It will be slimy. It will have goo on it. It will be making strange noises. It will be bright pink and otherworldly.

This is normal. You still do not have an alien baby.

The doctor then gives the baby its first dose of corporal punishment and smacks it firmly to induce breathing. The baby will start crying. Get used to that.

If you were to try and trace this process back to the point of origin, I would say that it all starts with the rod of evil. Which is the delivery mechanism for the spermatozooooons. Which are manufactured and stored in the balls.

So, in conclusion, babies come from men’s balls of sacky malevolence.

[Originally created for Slacktory]

believe-the-bullshit: this is perfection

Mon, 13 May 2013 15:01:21 -0400

believe-the-bullshit:

this is perfection

outofcontextdnd: DM: “The yellow mage looks up at you, smiles innocently, then goes back to...

Mon, 13 May 2013 14:58:08 -0400

outofcontextdnd:

DM: “The yellow mage looks up at you, smiles innocently, then goes back to shoveling butter into her mouth.”

Archer: “I take the spoon from her.”

"Wait, let me get this straight — while I was gone, you guys freed a pitlord into this world, got the..."

Mon, 13 May 2013 14:57:50 -0400

“Wait, let me get this straight — while I was gone, you guys freed a pitlord into this world, got the princess kidnapped, and got another country to declare war on us all in one session… so now we have to do this highly dangerous quest pro-bono? Can’t I just… stay home and eat donuts, since I wasn’t involved in this idiocy last time?”

- ~ The Larch (via outofcontextdnd)

Photo

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:56:06 -0400

Photo

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:54:20 -0400

gamefreaksnz: Final Fantasy X-2 HD: debut screens revealed The...

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:51:05 -0400

gamefreaksnz:

Final Fantasy X-2 HD: debut screens revealed

The upcoming HD remaster of Final Fantasy X-2 has received a new batch of screenshots today, courtesy of publisher Square Enix.

toinfinityandbeyonce: finnickodaired: barackinaroundthechristmastree: WHAT COLOR ARE...

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:44:14 -0400

toinfinityandbeyonce:

finnickodaired:

barackinaroundthechristmastree:

WHAT COLOR ARE MIRRORS

let’s reflect on this

thefrogman: Anxious corgi really wants his ball. [video]

Thu, 09 May 2013 22:25:10 -0400

thefrogman:

Anxious corgi really wants his ball.

[video]

outofcontextdnd: DM: So you’re going to take all of your parents’ money after you murdered...

Thu, 09 May 2013 22:11:33 -0400

outofcontextdnd:

DM: So you’re going to take all of your parents’ money after you murdered them?

Cern: Yes! That’s how inheritance works!